25 November 2012

A little lost.

I'm having one of those days where I am feeling a little lost. I've been a wee bit grumpy. My cup feels half empty. I'm down in the dumps. This is unusual for me. My cup normally runneth over. I went out for a while tonight but my heart wasn't in it. So I've retreated once again to the solitude of my home. Here I am tapping away at my keyboard. Feeling a bit sorry for myself. 

I'm wallowing. 

I know this is tragic. 

A bit pathetic. 

But I'm confident that the moment will pass.

As is usual it is a drinking frenzy out there on the island. I'm not much of a drinker. This surprises some people who don't know me all that well. For some reason they assume I am a boozer. Perhaps because I am Australian. We have a reputation for beer swilling. I think that dignity is difficult to preserve in alcohol. Not that I've got much dignity left anyway. However I need to cling to the shreds that remain. With some degree of desperation.

Maybe it's just that I'm getting bit lazy. I have been feeling nonchalant lately. Lackadaisical.  My old grandpa used to tell me that "lazy men plan busy tomorrows". This is difficult to do when you live in the moment. For me it is a tad unrealistic. I often don't even want to think about tomorrow. I just try and get through today.

Grandpa also used to tell me that "strangers are friends you haven't met yet" and "the noblest form of revenge is forgiveness".

I remember them all.

He was was full of cliches was my old grandpa. But he was very wise. 

I miss him a lot.

My grandpa also taught me how to swear. In fact I blame my grandpa for my swearing problem. I swear a lot. Often without realizing it. I don't really give a fuck. Oops. There I go again. Grandpa's name was Charles. His Dad was named Charles. My Dad's name is Charles as well. There's a whole line of them. I have my mum to thank for my name not being Charles. She put her foot down and named me Peter instead. My middle name is Charles though. 

So the name has been preserved.

I was reminded the other day by my Scottish friend Baz that I was a bit melancholy this time last year as well. I think maybe it's just the result of another long year. She's a bonny lass is Baz. She is fluent in French too. She only occasionally speaks it at work. Mostly when she is talking to her French hubby. It drives me crazy. She knows it does too. I have told her. To me it is a verbal aphrodisiac. 

Sorry Baz. 

But you know I call a spade a spade. 

There's another thing I need to fix. I too often speak my mind. I need to bite my tongue a bit more. I may be a little inappropriate at times. Perhaps a little insensitive. I have written that one down as a New Year's resolution. I am up to page three now of New Year's resolutions. They are usually the same ones every year. 

I don't have a great success rate in that field of endeavor.

I am thinking now where I'd prefer to be. Right at this moment. It would have to be the beach. I so much miss the beach. We Australians grow up on beaches. With sand between our toes. The ocean is our friend. Singapore is so spic and span but they have ruined their coastline. They have polluted their waters. It's a terrible shame. I am going to be back in Oz in a couple of weeks. For a bit of a break. I'll be at my brother's beach house. OK the thought of that makes me feel a little better now. 

Some happy thoughts are drifting in. 

My cup is filling. 

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