My neighbor
Jens has been arrested. The insane Dane is behind bars. I know this because
when I arrived home yesterday evening and trudged wearily up the driveway to my
condominium I was stopped by the two friendly Indian security guys Raj and Raj.
They as is usual saw me approaching and snapped to immediate and rigid
attention and gave me incredibly elaborate salutes. I have repeatedly asked
them to stop doing this. I have implored them in fact - however it makes no
difference. They are insistent.
"At
ease fellas" I greeted Raj and Raj.
I have found
that saying this is the only way to stop the salutes.
"Good
evening Mr. Peter Sir" one of the Raj's said to me. His voice was quite
excited. The other Raj broke away and rushed into the guardhouse and picked up
the phone.
"The
Danlander man has been being arrested" Raj continued.
"The
Danlander man?" I enquired.
"Yes
the big fatting man on the motorcycle Mr.. Peter sir" he replied.
"Raj
is calling Mr. Tan now to be telling him that you are home" he added.
I knew then
that Raj was referring to Jens. The crazy one. My lunatic Danish neighbor.
Before I had a
chance to respond to Raj I saw a flash of movement from further up the driveway
as the building manager Mr. Tan came rushing towards me. The other Raj had
re-emerged from the guard hut and both went immediately rigid in the salute
posture as Mr. Tan arrived.
"For
fuck's sake guys relax" I sighed.
No response.
"At
ease"
I commanded and the saluting hands dropped.
"Mr..
Peter. Mr. Peter. Mr. Jens has been arrested" Mr. Tan panted at
me.
He was waving
his hands around a bit and it was obvious to me that he was not his normally
composed self. He was in fact in a highly agitated state.
"So
what's up Mr. Tan?" I enquired.
"What
is this about Jens?"
"He
has been arrested Mr. Peter"
He was still
puffing and panting. I was unable to determine whether this was because of the
sprint he had made down the driveway to meet me or because of the brouhaha of
the moment.
Brouhaha is a
brilliant word. It is a noisy and overexcited reaction or response to something
or someone. There is somewhat of a brouhaha over the etymology of the word
brouhaha. I would have guessed that it was Irish but it is not. There is one
school of thought that suggests that it's origins are from French medieval
theatre and another that it is biblical. The latter school think that it may
have derived from the Hebrew term 'barukh habba" - which translates
to "blessed be the one who comes". I have no idea how such a
term relates to a noisy and overexcited reaction - nor indeed do I actually
care - but I most definitely like the word brouhaha.
I like to occasionally
cause the odd one too.
"Take
a couple of deep breaths Mr. Tan", I said and I gave him a reassuring couple of pats
on the back.
He was
slightly hunched over now and he had his hands on his knees.
"I am
alright Mr. Peter" he gasped.
"The
police they came and took Mr. Jens away today"
"He
didn't do another pony in the pool did he?" I asked
A pony is a
poo - a shit - a turd. I have explained this once before but I will repeat
myself. I often do. I often do. It is English rhyming slang. A pony and trap -
which was an old English form of transportation - rhymes with crap, which is a
poo. It is abbreviated to a 'pony'.
I asked this
question of Mr. Tan because several months ago a floater was found in the
swimming pool of my apartment complex. It was a very large poo. It was adult
size. I was a coincidental witness to it's discovery and I informed Mr. Tan at
the time that I thought that the most likely suspect was Jens the lunatic Dane.
Jens later discovered that I was his accuser and he has been my enemy ever
since. I shall not recant the whole drama again now as I have written about it
before - at length and in a piece that I most unimaginatively entitled
"The Floater".
"No No
Mr. Peter it was worse" Mr. Tan declared.
"He
was being caughted piddling in the park with his pants being off" one of the Raj's
interjected.
Mr. Tan cast
the Raj in question a withering glance which triggered an immediate apologetic
salute. I am beginning to suspect that the Raj's are obsessive compulsive
saluters. It is bizarre.
"At
ease Raj" I instructed the rigid security guard.
"Piddling
in the park with his pants down Mr. Tan?" I enquired.
"Where
was this?"
"At
the Eastcoast park Mr. Peter" he replied.
"When?"
"This
morning he was filmed and he was arrested this afternoon"
The Eastcoast
park is a large green strip of land unsurprisingly located on the east coast of
the Island. It is a very pleasant place full of meandering paths and food
stalls and beaches. There are many public toilets there as well - and cameras.
Singapore is awash with security cameras. Big brother is a watching.
"I
assume that he was drunk then?"
"He is
always drunk I think Mr. Peter" Mr. Tan replied.
"I
think he is" I agreed.
Piddling in
the park could well be a major offense in Singapore. Many things are and any
form of public nudity is very illegal. Jens could be in some very serious shit.
"Well
I told you that he was a dirty fucker didn't I Mr. Tan?" I said.
He nodded a
furtive agreement.
"Do
you have any idea what will happen to him?"
"I do
not know Mr. Peter"
"Well
keep me posted if you hear any more please?" I asked.
"I
need to go upstairs and have a pee myself" I then announced.
"See
you later guys" I said as I walked to the lift lobby.
The two Raj's
started to move into a salute position so I barked a quick "at
ease" at them and it stopped them in their tracks.
I hope nothing
too bad happens to Jens over the peeing incident. The man is certifiable but no
one deserves to be incarcerated for doing a widdle on the lawn. I have done a
few myself in my time. I will make some subtle enquiries with the Authorities
tomorrow and see if there is anything that I can do to help my Danish neighbor.
The
future Queen of Denmark is after all Australian.