I have
attended my first Tenants and Owners Committee meeting of the apartment complex
in which I reside. I was invited to become a member a few weeks back by the
manager of the complex - the ubiquitous Mr. Tan. I refer to Mr. Tan as being
ubiquitous because he appears to be everywhere. I do not spend much time
outside my complex yet whenever I arrive home from work - and often when I
depart for work early in the morning - there he is.
Mr. Tan seems
to appear from nowhere. I am quite often startled by his sudden appearance. He
always seems pleased to see me though and I thoroughly enjoy his company. Our
relationship started in a fairly stormy and confrontational encounter last
Chinese New Year. It commenced with an altercation that I had with the Security
Guards of my condominium when I dared to eat the decorative mandarins that were
put out in celebration of the Lunar New Year. I have described this whole saga
in a number of earlier pieces that I wrote titled, "Forbidden Fruits',
"The Kangaroo Court" and "Taken" so I will not
drag up the debacle again.
Suffice to say
the matter was amicably resolved.
Mr. Tan and I
have had a few debates on a variety of matters since that initial encounter but
these have always been resolved in a friendly and polite fashion and with great
mutual respect and civility. We also share a common foe in a tenant who lives
in the complex whose name is Jens. I have also described some encounters that I
have had with Jens in previous articles so once again I will not elaborate
further here. I will however emphasize that Jens is a border-line psychotic
Danish monster who is very disrespectful to both Mr. Tan and myself. He is a
very heavy drinker and he often mutters crazily to himself as he lurches around
the grounds of our apartment building. He calls everyone he sees, "Modderfokkers'.
Jens is quite deranged.
He both amuses
and terrifies me.
I informed Mr.
Tan that I would be delighted to join the Tenants and Owners Committee. I
advised him that I would be honored in fact. I had no idea whatsoever what was
involved but my first participation was this evening. I have just returned. It
was a hell of a laugh.
The meeting
was held in one of the complex's function rooms and I was a little late in
arriving. I have been very busy at work in the past few days dealing with the
horrific smoke haze that has enshrouded Singapore. This smoke haze is due to
the massive burning of forests that is going on in Indonesia. The pollution has
to be seen to be believed.
It is choking
and it is disgusting.
As I walked
into the function room I apologized for my tardiness. Mr. Tan leapt to his feet
and rushed to shake my hand. There were seven other people sitting around the
table and they were all Singaporeans. I was the only Ang Mo in attendance.
An Ang Mo is a
white man or a white woman. It's literal translation is actually "red
haired" in the Hokkien language. This is a bit strange but many things in
Singapore are a bit strange. However let me point out that I am most definitely
not a ginger. The term is used more broadly now to describe caucasians and it
is slightly derogatory. I don't mind as I do derogatory a fair bit. It is my
thing and it is second nature to me.
Formal
introductions were made. On the Committee were four Tans - two of whom were a
couple. There was also a Mr. Sim, a Mr. Lim and a bloke called Howard. They all
seemed very nice. I asked whether any of the Tans were related. Apart from the
couple who were married none of the others were kinfolk. Tan is a common name
in the Chinese community. It is the equivalent of Smith to we Westerners.
The main and
in fact only agenda item for discussion for the Tenants and Owners
Committee was the issue of whether to get the complex painted. This discussion
has apparently been going on for some months. From what I could gather everyone
seemed to be in agreement that the exterior of the apartment building needed
painting but no one wanted to pay for it. This presented a quandary. It was
agreed by the Committee members that we would give the matter some further
thought and we would discuss it again next month.
When the
Building Manager Mr. Tan asked if there was any other business to be discussed
none of the other Tans, the Sim, the Lim or Howard had any. I was keen to make
an impression as a new Committee member so I suggested that there perhaps
needed to be some additional Rules for the communal Swimming pool.
I was being
facetious. Our Swimming Pool has more than a dozen Rules. These are posted on a
number of plaques that are prominently placed on the pool surrounds. I have
taken a photograph of the plaque and have included it in the beginning of this article.
They are hysterical and I have broken all of them.
"I am
concerned that there is sometimes too much splashing that goes on in the
pool"
I offered up to the Committee.
A number of
the Tans nodded their head in agreement
"After
the horror pooing in the pool event last month I am also quite concerned that
we have not specifically stated in the Pool Rules that this is not
allowed"
All around the
table now nodded their heads in agreement. We appeared to have consensus on
this matter.
A poo was
found in our pool last month. A very large one. I witnessed it's discovery by
building management and described this event in an article titled, "The
Floater". I informed the Mr. Tan who-is-the-Building-Manager that I
suspected that the culprit was the lunatic Dane Jens. He was subsequently
formally interviewed on the matter by both Building Management and the police.
He has maintained a furious denial on the defecation.
"I
also think it would be wise to specify in the Pool Rules that dogs should not
be allowed to swim in the pool" I suggested.
I have never
seen a dog anywhere near the swimming pool but I thought I would throw that one
out there.
"Cats
either" the man name Howard chipped in.
That caught me
by surprise but I recovered quickly and nodded my head in furtive agreement.
"Nice
one Howard. Well said"
He grinned in
delight.
The lady Mrs.
Tan who I assumed was charged with taking minutes of the meeting was writing
furiously on a notepad.
"I
think that there has also been quite a lot of swearing in Scandinavian
languages going on near the pool that should be banned. There are after all
quite a lot of children who use the pool who should not be exposed to such
depravity. We should ban that for the sake of morality and ethics"
I knew that I
might be pushing the envelope a bit on this one - but I was on a bit of a roll
and couldn't really help myself. All of the Tans seemed to be in agreement
though and they were again nodding their heads in silent affirmation.
"OK
then. All those in favor of updating the Pool Rules to prohibit splashing,
pooing, swearing in Scandinavian languages and dogs and cats swimming say
'Can'"
I proposed.
"Can"
all four Tans said in unison.
"Can" the two Sims and Howard
piped in a nano second later.
"All
those against say 'cannot'" I demanded.
Not a cannot
was offered.
"I
shall arrange for new posters to be printed immediately" Mr. Tan the Building
Manager announced. He seemed genuinely delighted that there was an action item
that had resulted from the Meeting.
We all
disbanded not long after that.
It was a hell
of a fun meeting and it was much better than the normal mundane ones that I
attend at work.
I am very much
looking forward to seeing the updated Pool Rules plaques and attending next
months Tenants and Owners Committee.
I can't wait
in fact.
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