I was having a
quiet moment at the smoking area near my office the other day when a very
brightly dressed tourist wandered up to me and made a gesture of clicking a
cigarette lighter in front of my face. The tourist was male and looked as if he
was in his early thirties. When I say he was brightly dressed he was wearing
long yellow checkered shorts with luminescent orange running shoes on his feet.
No socks.
He was also
attired in a sleeveless t-shirt emblazoned with the letters USA on the front
and back. His head was adorned with a baseball cap that also had the letters
USA on them. This cap was on backwards and he was wearing those sort of
sun-glasses that have mirrored lenses.
I could tell
that he was a tourist because he had a camera slung around his neck and he was
carrying a back-pack that had a tourist map of Singapore poking out of a side
pocket. Unsurprisingly the backpack had the stars and stripes flag sewn on it.
His attire
alone was sufficient for me to want to immediately set him on fire. The
cigarette lighting gesture made in front of my face and his open-mouthed
chewing of gum was even more annoying.
I feigned a look
of puzzlement and non-comprehension and nonchalantly blew smoke into the
tourist's face but it didn't dissuade him. He then clicked his fingers at me
and said, "Gimme a light". The Californian drawl was unmistakable
and I once again felt a compelling urge to incinerate the man.
"You
mean gimme a light please?" I responded.
"Yeah
sure. Please. You English are so funny" he replied.
English now -
to an Australian. There is no greater insult.
"I am
not English dude", I replied.
I pulled my
cigarette lighter out of my pocket and handed it to him.
"Never
say that to an Australian. You are Canadian?"
He lit his
cigarette and handed me back my lighter then he blew cigarette smoke back in my
face and gave me a blank look.
"Nah
I'm from LA"
In my experience
sarcasm is wasted on West Coast Americans and I shouldn't even have bothered.
New Yorkans have a much greater appreciation of the art.
"You
know it is illegal to chew gum in Singapore? I enquired.
"No
shit?"
he said.
He didn't look
too concerned.
"No
shit"
I retorted.
"Mate
you can get a $10,000 fine and ten lashes of the cane for even bringing chewing
gum into the country", I added putting on my most serious of faces.
"You're
not shitting me dude?" he asked.
He looked a
little more concerned now.
"Really" I said.
"I
shit you not. Lots of tourists get into big trouble chewing gum in public. The
Singapore government are very strict on gum and there are cameras
everywhere".
I pointed to a
couple of security cameras on the buildings of either side of us. Cameras are
everywhere in this country.
The American
tourist looked quite worried now and to my disgust he pulled a wad of pink gum
out of his mouth and made to put it in the ashtray that was adjacent to us.
"Don't
throw it in there" I hissed.
"They
will be watching you now and disposing of gum is more of a crime than chewing
it"
The American
looked panicked now.
"What
will I do with it?" he asked
"Put
it back in your mouth and swallow it" I commanded.
He immediately
put it back in his mouth and with a big gulp he choked it down.
"They're
not American cigarettes are they?' I enquired.
I was looking
at the half burned cigarette in his hand - knowing that they were.
"Yeah" he said nervously.
"Jesus
mate, bringing any foreign cigarettes into Singapore is a major crime too. You
can only bring in one open packet into the country and all others must have
this government stamp on them".
I showed him
my unfinished cigarette with the government duty stamp on it to demonstrate the
point.
"How
many packets have you got?" I asked.
This is true.
You are only allowed to bring one packet of cigarettes into Singapore. It is no
major crime though and if you get caught with more they just make you pay the
tax on them.
"Shit
I got me whole carton"
"Dude
you are very lucky you weren't stopped at customs. You would have been in
serious shit"
"What
should I do?"
"How
many packets have you got on you?"
"Just
two"
"Without
making any sudden movements go over to that trash can and discretely drop them
in there. Move slowly. Be very casual"
I pointed to a
rubbish bin about twenty meters away. I referred to it as a trash can because
this is the American term for a rubbish bin. I wanted to make sure that he
understood what I was talking about. The silly fellow did what I suggested then
he came slinking back to me.
"Mate
I would get rid of the rest of them as soon as you get back to your hotel.
Don't throw them in your hotel room trash can though. That is the easiest way
to get caught. Take a walk around the block and drop one packet into different
bins. It is safer that way"
"Man
this is one strict country" the sucker American tourist complained.
"It is
mate" I
agreed.
"Thanks
for the tip dude. Which way is it to the Marina Bay Sands Casino" he asked.
"Walk
about a kilometer that way" I advised and I pointed in the opposite direction
of where the building is.
"You
can't miss it"
Now I will be
the first to admit that my behavior was rude and cruel however he was rude
first though. He also called me English and he clicked his fingers at me - and
he was American. West coast - not the best coast.
I was riled.
Singapore does
have a whole heap of rules and regulations. The chewing gum law though is a bit
of an urban myth. You can chew gum here and you can in fact buy it. You get it
from a pharmacist. All you have to do is sign a register after showing your ID.
It is not illegal to bring it into the country.
There are
harsh rules for littering as there should be. Throwing rubbish on the ground
should not be condoned anywhere. Large fines apply in Singapore if you are
caught littering and the courts can also force litterers to do a stint of
picking up rubbish as an additional penalty.
It is not
illegal to be homosexual in Singapore however any act of homosexuality is
considered to be a breach of law. Section 377 of the Miscellaneous Offences Act
of Singapore specifies that:
"Whoever
voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man,
woman or animals, shall be punished with imprisonment for life, or with
imprisonment for a term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable
to fine"
Section 377A
states that:
"Any
male person who, in public or private, commits, or abets the commission of, or
procures or attempts tom procure the commission by any male person of any act
of gross indecency with another male person, shall be punished with
imprisonment of a term which may extend to 2 years"
Nudity is also
illegal in Singapore. The government doesn't like it. It is specified under
Section 27A of the Singaporean Miscellaneous Offences Act that:
"(1)
Any person who appears nude
(a) in a public place; or
(b) in a private place and is exposed to public view,
shall be
guilty of an offense and shall be liable on conviction to a fine not exceeding
$2,000 or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 3 months or to both."
(2) For the
purpose of this section, the reference to a person appearing nude includes a
person who is clad in such a manner as to offend against public decency or
order"
It is therefore
perilous for me to wear my speedos at my own swimming pool where I live. They
may easily offend Singaporean public decency. I am not joking. These are real
laws.
They are the
naked truth.
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