13 June 2013

Jokes on Me

I have been the brunt of many jokes today and I have also been told quite a few. Many of these jokes were taking the piss out of my country and my countrymen but they were beauties and I have done many a laugh-out-loud. Despite my chronic fatigue that is approaching near exhaustion  - I had lunch today with some good mates. We arranged this a few weeks back. My mates were some English, a couple of New Zealanders, an Irishman and a very funny American. It was an all male affair and I was the only Australian.

It is rare for all of us get together but when we do we laugh a lot. My friends take great joy in making fun of Australians and I don't mind at all. I dish it out and serve it up plenty to the English, the Americans and the Irish and it is only right to take it back.

One of the Kiwis and the American are lawyers. The American calls himself an attorney. I would mention him by name here but he has told me that if I do he will sue me - so I won't.

During the course of our lunch - the second course in fact - one of the English told a joke and it was a very funny one. I am often told amusing jokes but I rarely remember them to be able to re-tell them so I wrote notes on a few of them today. They were that funny. I don't think that any of these jokes were original -  they were simply being re-told. It doesn't really matter nor does it diminish their humor.

A number of the jokes were about bogans. I have written a great deal previously about the bogans so I will not dwell on their description - suffice to say they are rough and ready working class Australians. There is a bit of bogan in all Australians and there is some in me. I know many bogans back home in Oz and I like them a lot. They are the salt of the earth.

Here are some of the questions and answers thrown at me by the English about the bogans:

Q. A fat and a skinny bogan jump off a cliff at the same time to see who will land first. Who wins?
A. Society

Q. What does a bogan use as protection during sex?
A. The bus shelter

Q. What do you call a 30 year old bogan female?
A. Grandma

Q. Why did the bogan cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever

Q. What do you call a bogan girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride

Q. How do you know if you are a bogan?
A. You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids

There were quite a few more but I couldn't keep pace in writing them down.

This line of Q & A responses triggered the two lawyers amongst us to throw out some amusing questions and answers that were supposedly uttered in court settings. I have my doubts about how genuine these were but they made me laugh anyway.

These were the ones that I managed to record:

Q. "Are you sexually active?"
A. "No I just lie there"

Q. "What is your date of birth?"
A. "March third"
Q. "What year?"
A. "Every year"

Q. "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"
A. He said, "Where am I Sheila?"
Q. "And why did that upset you?"
A. "My name is Margaret"

The New Zealand lawyer chipped in with a joke having a crack at the Australian accent. I thought this was a bit rich given the way that New Zealanders speak but we all thought it was pretty amusing. His story went something like this:

An American pilot crashes his plane in the outback of Australia and he wakes up in a bush hospital in the middle of nowhere. He is in a full plaster body cast and is dazed and in pain. The first thing he sees as he regains consciousness from his hospital bed is a bogan nurse.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks with fear and trepidation.

"No" the Australian nurse replies, "You came here yesterday"

There were two other jokes that made me laugh a lot. Both of them were told by the English.

The first one was about a couple of Australian blokes who were out in the bush doing some kangaroo shooting. One of them suddenly falls to the ground. He goes blue in the face and his eyes roll into the back of his head. His mate pulls out his mobile phone and calls Emergency Services. In a great panic he says to the operator, "I think my mate is dead. What should I do?" The emergency service operator says, "Stay calm sir. We can help. The first thing to do is to make sure that he is actually dead". There is silence for a  few seconds on the line then the loud boom of a shotgun firing is heard. The man's voice comes back on the line and he says, "OK what now?"


My favorite joke for the day was the story about a mum who has picked up her children from school in suburban Sydney. She was driving the family car. They are cruising along directly behind a rubbish truck when it hits a bump in the road and a large dildo flies out of the back of the truck and it hits the windscreen of the car. The shocked and embarrassed mother who is driving turns to her children in the backseat and says "Goodness me what a big insect that was." Her little eight year old son Johnny immediately replies, "Shit Mum - I am surprised that it could fly with a dick that size"

I was eating a mouthful of risotto when the punch-line of this joke was delivered and I near choked with laughter.

There were quite a few more jokes told over lunch but I didn't write them down so I have unfortunately already forgotten them. Many were anti Australian but I didn't mind a bit. I needed a good belly laugh today and I certainly got one.

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