I have once
again had a consultation with the Mr. Tan who is the Manager of the building in
which I reside. The consultation was this afternoon. According to Mr. Tan a
further complaint has been lodged against me and this time the complaint was
lodged by the Security guards of the complex and not Jens my deranged and
dangerous Danish neighbor.
This afternoon
Mr. Tan rang me on my mobile telephone and politely asked if I could come down
to the Building Manager's office to discuss a matter with him. I replied that I
could and I went down straight away.
I had a fair
idea before I went down to the office what was going to be discussed. Yesterday
morning I arose very early and left my condominium to do a Big Walk for a fund
raising event for a charity. I have described this walk in a previous article
and the walk in which I partook was madness and I am suffering badly from the
after effects. Walking down to the office caused me a great deal of pain as my
legs are still aching from the grueling exercise that I undertook.
I awakened
yesterday morning at 5.00 am and I left my apartment complex a little before
5.30 am. This was very early for me. As I departed the complex I rapped on the
window of the security guard's office to awaken the two sleeping guards who were
inside. These guys are always asleep. Day and night. As I have also described
in previous articles I have been engaged in a battle with these men for quite
some time. I make a point of waking them whenever I arrive at or leave from the
complex in which I live. They get annoyed by this.
It amuses me.
Despite my
sore legs I rode my bicycle over to Starbucks this
morning for my usual Saturday morning coffee and toast. The ride is
not very far and my legs were OK with pedaling. Different muscle groups must be
used for walking and pedaling. I was not gone for very long and the security
guards were both awake when I returned.
The boom gate on
the driveway to my complex was up as I rode towards it but it lowered suddenly
as I neared the entrance. It caused me to stop suddenly and I nearly fell off
my bike. The boom gate is located adjacent to the guard house and I could see
that both guards were smirking in delight at my near demise. They had obviously
endeavored to lower the boom gate on me and I was not very happy.
I was not very
happy at all.
The smirks on
the faces of both guards quickly disappeared as I dismounted my bicycle and
limped angrily toward them. They both looked visibly alarmed.
"What
the fuck do you think you are doing?" I demanded of them.
I said this in
a slightly raised voice through the grill of the glass window of the security
guard room.
I was quite
cross.
"You
could have killed me if that had come down on my head"
Both of them
looked cowered and one of them said, "It was an accident"
"Yeah
right"
I retorted and I gave them a withering and savage glare.
"If
you do anything like that again I will set you both on fire" I added.
Then I limped
back to my bicycle and pushed it up the driveway and into the lift lobby.
I should point
out that I do occasionally threaten to set people on fire however I would never
- and have never done such a thing. I consider it more of a figure of speech
than a genuine threat. I am not a man of violence.
I am a
pacifist in fact.
When I arrived
at Mr. Tan's office I knocked on the door and I entered. Mr. Tan was alone and
was he seated at his desk. The Air Conditioning was blasting at full throttle
and it was very cold inside.
It was a very
hot day today.
"Good
afternoon Mr. Tan" I announced and as he stood I shook his hand.
"Good
afternoon Mr. Peter" he replied returning my handshake.
Despite the
fact that most of my interactions with Mr. Tan have been complaint related, our
relationship has always been most cordial and respectful.
"Are
you alright Mr. Peter?" he enquired.
He had noticed
me grimacing as I sat.
"My
legs are very sore Mr. Tan" I explained.
"Yesterday
I did a very big walk and my muscles are battered and bruised".
"I am
very sorry to hear that' Mr. Peter" he responded.
"May I
get you anything to relieve your pain?"
"I am
fine thank you Mr. Tan" I declared.
I was touched
by his genuine concern.
"However
would you mind turning the air conditioning down? It is very cold. You could
freeze the balls off a brass monkey in here"
"A
brass monkey Mr. Peter? Balls?" Mr. Tan asked.
He looked both
puzzled and bemused.
"It is
an expression to say that it is very cold Mr. Tan."
Mr. Tan
reached into his desk drawer and immediately turned off the air conditioning
unit with a remote control unit.
The term that
it is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey harks back to the
nineteenth century. The balls that are referred to are not testicles. Naval
sailing ships were equipped with cannons that fired iron balls.
Think pirate
ships.
These iron
ball projectiles were stacked in a triangular fashion on brass racks that were
referred to as 'monkeys'. God knows why they were named thus but it was
probably pirate-like talk similar to, "Ahoy me matey".
Apparently
when the weather was very cold the metal racks contracted and the cannon balls
sometimes fell off.
This is how
the term came about.
I related this
story to Mr. Tan and he nodded his head knowingly but I could tell that he
thought that I must be quite mad.
"So
Mr. Peter our security personnel have informed me that you have told them that
you are intending to set them on fire'.
"I did
indeed tell them that Mr. Tan"
"You
must not do that Mr. Peter"
"I
never actually would Mr. Tan. However they tried to knock me off my bike this
morning because I keep on waking them up"
"They
are sleeping?"
"Only
sometimes" I said.
I am at war
with these guys but I do not want them to lose their jobs or get them into too
much trouble.
"It
was a very bad joke on my behalf Mr. Tan and I was not in a good mood"
"But
they are sleeping?" he persisted.
"I
think just once and perhaps I was mistaken. They may just have been resting
their eyes and it was very early in the morning"
"They
must not be sleeping when they are working"
"I
don't think they are Mr. Tan. We have never been invaded by terrorists so I
think that they are mostly doing a very good job".
I was back
tracking a bit now. I really don't want any of these guys to incur the wrath of
Mr. Tan or to lose their livelihoods. The job of a security guard is very
boring in Singapore and I would imagine they receive a very low salary. Nothing
ever happens that even vaguely resembles a security threat on the Island and
they just sit in a small office and do nothing really. Those residents who have
cars use key cards to activate the boom gates when they enter and leave and my
act of waking them up is more of a game on my behalf and I mean them no harm.
"So
you will not be setting them on fire Mr. Peter"
"I
most certainly will not Mr. Tan" I reassured him.
"I am
relieved to hear that Mr. Peter. That would be a very serious matter"
"I
agree Mr. Tan. I will go now and inform the guards that it was a poor joke on
my behalf"
We both stood
and we shook hands again as I left his office. It was a relief to step out into
the heat from his freezing office.
I limped
painfully down to the Security guards office where the same two guards were
seated. They were awake and fully alert and again looked quite alarmed at my
approach.
"Listen
guys I am sorry you thought that I would actually set you on fire but I was
very pissed off that you tried to lower the boom gate on me this morning" I explained.
Both nodded
their heads nervously.
"I
will however continue to wake you up every time that I see you are sleeping"
They again
nodded their heads nervously and unsmilingly.
I then took my
cigarette lighter out of my pocket and I flicked the flame a few times - just
to keep them on their toes.
Then I wheeled
around and walked my way painfully back up the driveway.
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