I get a lot of visitors here in
Singapore. Friends and family often pass through on their way to other places
and sometimes they come just to visit me. The Island - as we residents refer to
Singapore - is a major hub or stopping point for people travelling from Europe
and America and Australia to places like China and India and many of the south East
Asian countries such as Malaysia, Indonesia and Thailand.
A lot of people pass through.
I like having visitors
although I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment so if they stay with me they
have to sleep on one of my couches. Most visitors though choose to stay in
hotels and I regularly assist them in booking them rooms – and using the
corporate rates that are available to me.
My brother just departed
today after four days in Singapore. He stayed with me and slept on the bigger
of my two couches and I enjoyed his company very much. Richard is my younger
brother but he is also one of my best mates.
I love him dearly.
Richard was returning to
Australia – where he lives - after a great and wonderful adventure in Nepal. I
was with him in Nepal for two weeks but I had to return to work and he stayed
on for a further three weeks. I will not elaborate much about his tale here - as
it is a story unto itself. Suffice to say it was an escapade that was full of
jaunts with holy men and walking up and down incredible mountains. It was a
beautiful and emotional journey accompanying some astonishing children who were
returning to their very distant and remote homes very high in the Himalaya – up
near the Tibetan border. These children had been away from their families for a
long time. They had been studying in Kathmandu since they were six years old and
had not returned home for more than ten years.
Imagine that?
I will write about it another
time.
How can I not?
I miss you already Richard. I
miss Nepal as well.
I really do.
So in this very long and
difficult alphabet challenge that requires that a write an apologue each day -
I am up to the letter “V”. After I have posted this there are only four more posts
to go. “W”, “X”, “Y” and “Z”
Thank goodness.
I love to write but doing it
to order and by the alphabet is no easy feat.
So my tale today is about
some visitors
I am a bit vague about the
details as they visited quite some time ago but I do recall feeling a little
vexed. The visitors were not villains or vampires or varmints but they were
American. I find that quite a few Americans – not all mind you – are quite
vulgar and they have a different set of values to mine.
There is often a vast void in
behaviour between them and I.
So this particular lot a
visitors voyaged to Singapore from New York - from Manhattan to be precise.
They visited early last year. They were Chuck, his wife Rebecca and their 12-year-old
son Chuck Junior.
Yes Chuck and Chuck Junior.
I kid you not.
I had met Chuck - senior that
is - a couple of years previously in New York. I was there on business. Chuck
is an investment banker. Despite his occupation he seems like a nice guy
although admittedly I do not know him very well.
It was one of those things
that we all do. I said, "If you are
ever in Singapore do look me up". Not really expecting that he would.
Look me up.
But he did.
Look me up.
He rang me out of the blue.
My phone rang on a Saturday
morning and I said, “Hello this is Peter”
I said that because I am
Peter.
The voice replied, “Hey Peter this is Chuck. I am here in
Singapore”
I paused for a few seconds as
my mind whirled in a vortex trying to think who Chuck was.
You will note that I am
cleverly inserting “V” words whenever I can.
This is after all a “V”
challenge.
I would like to say that I
was eating some toast with vegemite on it whilst seated on my verandah at the
time Chuck rang but I wasn’t really. I was inside sitting on my couch drinking
a cup of tea. I do often eat toast with vegemite on it though – and sometimes
on my verandah – and both ‘vegemite’ and ‘verandah’ are both good ‘V’ words.
“Chuck
from New York” the voice
on the phone added whilst I was still pausing and wondering – and I then
remembered who he was.
I returned Chuck’s greeting
We verbally jousted for a few
minutes on the phone and Chuck informed me that he was here on business. He told
me that he had bought his wife and his son with him. Chuck told me that it was
their first time in Singapore. He announced to me that it was in fact the first
time that his wife Rebecca and his son Chuck Junior had been overseas. Chuck
Senior told me too that he had only ever left the United States once before and
that was a brief business trip to London.
This is not really all that
uncommon for Americans. A very large proportion of their population has never
travelled abroad. Of the ones that have travelled – a significant number have
done so to fight and kill and bomb other countries.
America has a viscous and
violent history. Their invasion of North Vietnam is an example. They call the
soldiers that return from warmongering in foreign countries ‘veterans’.
I don’t get wars and I abhor
violence.
It is nasty.
So after exchanging
pleasantries on the phone Chuck asked me if I was free to catch up.
I replied that I was.
I suggested that I come by
their hotel the next day - which was a Sunday – sometime around mid morning. I
told Chuck that we could have some brunch and then I would show them around the
Island a bit.
Chuck proposed that we meet
later in the day. He told me that they wanted to go to church first. I told
Chuck that this was no problem for me and I accordingly arranged to meet them
about noon.
I have no religious beliefs
although I lean towards the teachings of Buddha. Being nice to people and
following a sense of morality is my faith.
I also believe in myself.
I understand the concept of
people wanting to believe in something - and having a purpose - but going to a
building and praying to some invisible deity does not make any sense to me.
I am entitled to this opinion
and I am most vehemently entitled to believe that there is no ‘God’.
If I am wrong – and I could
well be – he or she is not very merciful.
There is simply too much
wickedness and despair and injustice in the world.
I told Chuck that I would
take them out for lunch somewhere nice.
Chuck told me that they were
staying at the Fullarton hotel and I replied that this was a very good choice
of accommodation. I told him that the Fullarton hotel was not only well
situated but it was a beautiful and historic building.
It is.
So on that Sunday I arrived
at the Fullarton Hotel about a quarter past the hour.
I was fashionably late.
Chuck and his family were
waiting for me in the lobby. To my horror Chuck and Chuck Junior were dressed
identically. They were wearing very loud yellow checked shorts with stars and
stripes tee shirts. Chuck Senior had on knee-high white socks with patent
leather sandals. Junior was sock less and was wearing unlaced Nike Runners. He
had a New York Yankees cap on his head. Backwards. He was also chewing gum.
Open mouthed.
Chuck’s wife Rebecca is a big
girl. She is humungous in fact. She was adorned in a bright green sundress and
had an enormous Panama type hat perched on her frizzy bright red hair. She is a
ginger - a blood nut - a ranga. She is also as pale as a ghost and is fully
freckled as well.
The poor girl.
The Good Lord that they
believe in and pray to every Sunday obviously gave her a savage beating with
the ugly stick as she entered the world.
Then he thought ‘what the
fuck’, and he beat her some more.
To complete the picture both
Rebecca and Chuck Senior had cameras slung around their necks and they were
wearing bum-belts as well. Big ones.
Very big ones.
Upon seeing them, my first
and instinctive reaction was flight.
Swiftly.
Immediately.
Alas Chuck had spotted me. He
called out my name very loudly.
He called me Pete.
Only Americans seem to call
me Pete.
I don't know why.
I don't like it.
However I greeted Chuck warmly
and he politely introduced me to the wife Rebecca and to Chuck Junior.
I shook both their sweaty
hands.
I said, "Welcome to
Singapore".
"Gosh" replied Rebecca.
"It's so great to be
here"
"It is going to be
confusing for me with two Chucks" I declared.
"Is it OK if I call
the young fella Junior?"
"Sure" replied Senior.
"That's what we call
him."
This did not surprise me at
all.
Junior replied, "Awesome".
This did not surprise me
either.
"How was
church?" I asked.
“Did you find one
OK?"
"Gosh" said Rebecca.
"We went this
morning. We weren't sure if there were any churches here. And they spoke
English too. It was awesome."
Both Chuck Senior and Junior
nodded in agreement.
‘Oh
fuck’ was all I could
think to myself. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck”.
I then decided that I needed
to get more positive about this so I tried to push the ‘oh fucks’ from my mind. I decided that this whole event needed to
be accelerated. I thought that perhaps I could also find some entertainment in
this event.
"Before we go,” I declared - looking at Chuck
Junior
"I should warn you
that chewing gum is illegal in Singapore"
Junior stopped chewing
immediately and Mum looked panicked.
Dad did too.
"So is wearing your
cap backwards,” I
added.
"And having your shoelaces
undone."
Junior made a gulping noise
as he swallowed his gum whilst Mum whipped the cap from his head. Big Chuck
knelt and tied his son's shoes. Despite these adjustments to Chuck Junior's
attire the urge to set him on fire was powerful.
It was powerful indeed.
I needed to resist and I did.
"Let's go then,” I said.
"I will take you to
my favorite Indian restaurant"
There were no objections and
I thought I might be able to blast them with a good curry.
I love a good curry.
We jumped into a cab and I
instructed the driver to take us to Muhtu's. They make the best curries on the
Island. When seated I ordered a large serve of fish head curry, a spanking
Bhindi Jhaipuri, some Roti - and a serve of jasmine rice.
Needless to say all three
were reluctant to eat.
Out of sheer politeness Chuck
Senior took all small serve of everything except the fish curry. He mostly
pushed the food around his plate. The other two claimed jet lag and a big
breakfast and they refused to eat anything at all - even the rice. As I was
wiping up my curry sauce with a hunk of roti I asked Rebecca what she did back
in New York. When she replied that she was a preacher I nearly choked.
Even though I was quite
desperate to say "What the fuck Chuck" I knew now that I
couldn't swear.
I had to control myself and concentrate.
After our meal - or non-meal
in the case of the visitors, we headed down to the Quays. These are Boat Quay
and Clarke Quay and they are one of the main tourist attractions in Singapore.
It was hot and the Americans
were sweating quite a bit. They were suffering too in the humidity. It is
always hot and humid in Singapore – the Island is situated very close to the
equator and it is most tropical.
Rebecca and Chuck Senior were
very inquisitive though and they asked me what many of the buildings were.
They took a lot of photos.
I told them that the
Esplanade theatre was designed in the shape of a Durian. They had never heard
of a durian before so I had to explain the fruit and it's strong but unusual
smell. Junior looked horrified when I suggested I get him some durian ice-cream
to try.
When we saw the new High
Court building Junior remarked that it looked like a flying saucer. It does
look like a flying saucer and I told him that it actually was. I told him that
the Singaporean government had constructed it in the event of a hostile
invasion and that the Prime Minister and all his cabinet had spent all day in
it the previous month. It was the time when the Mayan calendar had predicted
the end of the world.
I told Chuck Junior that they
were prepared for take off.
The Ginger Rebecca said "Gosh"
and Junior said "Awesome". Chuck Senior looked doubtful but he
said nothing.
However they all
went on a photo taking frenzy.
After an hour or so of
walking around poor Rebecca had turned bright red. She looked like an over ripe
tomato. She was dripping sweat and was claiming that she felt faint. Junior was
eying off a McDonalds. I suggested that they should probably go back to their
hotel and take a swim. When I dropped them off in the cab I stayed inside the
car but I told them to ring me if they needed anything at all.
They didn’t and I have not
heard from these visitors since.
They may have
vaporized for all I know.
In conclusion of
this “V” narration I should point out that I could well have written all about
vaginas and vibrators and I considered doing this. However my Mum reads all of
my work and she would have rang me up and told me that I was vulgar.
She would have
been vitriolic.
I wouldn’t want
that.
I am sorry you had such a horrific experience with your American visitors. I am an Asian American originally from Malaysia. A lot of your stereotypes about Americans are true but there are also a lot of Americans who are great adventurers and form the mighty band of backpackers that roam the world off the beaten path. I know because I meet many of them on my extensive travels. So I hope you will get a chance soon to meet more amiable and well traveled American visitors in the time you are in Singapore. Dropped by for the A-Z.
ReplyDeletewww.foreignfeasts.com
Hey Lila - thanks firstly for taking the time to read my drivel. As I am pretty sure I mentioned in the post I have many American friends and have spent much time in the US and know there are a lot of great people who are excellent travelers. I too travel extensively. There are just as many ignorant and poorly behaved Australians (read my articles about 'Bogans') who shame and appall me.
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