19 February 2013


Reflections. You don't just see them in mirrors or in ponds or puddles - you see them in your memories too. You feel and hear and sometimes even smell them. I have had a couple of late. In my own head. I've been doing a bit of thinking and some contemplation. I have done me some assimilation. Where I've been, where I am, where I'm going and who I am. 

Sometimes you have to look back to comprehend the things that might lie ahead. There is music in memories and it can be heard you know. It can be sung. Even out of tune. Even if you are tone deaf - like me. Just by thinking. 

I occasionally look in a mirror. I stare at myself and I wonder what he sees that I don't. ‘Who are you?’, I sometimes ask. ‘Who the fuck are you?’ I have a vague recollection of making a vow. One not to forget. Not to remember what happened but to remember who I was. How I felt.

I miss those times when I didn't have a clue.

I have heard people talk about how hard it can be sometimes to remember things. Silly things - like where they left their keys or the name of the lady who lives next door. I wake up sometimes and I wonder where I am. I wonder who I am and where am I going. I wonder where I have been. No one ever really talks about how much effort we sometimes put into forgetting though. I am sometimes exhausted from the effort to forget. There are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on living.

If you want to stay sane. 

There are some moments when I wish that I could just wind back the clock and take all the sadness away but I have the feeling that if I did that then all the joy would be gone as well. I don't want the joy to go.

I think this is a regret.

Maybe memories should be just left the way they are. I think that as I get older they will all fade away anyway. Then eventually they will disappear. 

I have been playing it safe for awhile now. I have been quiet and subdued. I think maybe the need that I once felt to endanger myself every so often has disappeared. I am going to get it back. I am going to start doing what I want again. Not what is expected of me. Despite the consequences. The journey will be my destination. 

Adventures are moments that happen when an event is flawed. They are delightful and wonderful things that happen out of left field. When you least expect them. I am going to embrace them.

Cherish them.

Live them. 

This is the result of my recent reflections. I am going to start to listen to my heart and not my head. I am going to be defiant and brave and unpredictable. Like I was when I was young. I am going to make some noise and rattle some cages. 

A little fear and terror sometimes goes a long way.

It is time to shake things up a bit.

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