10 February 2013

The Evangelist

My inbox has been swamped. My blog seems to have attracted many a lunatic. Particularly since the LinkedIn article. A number of these lunatics write to me. They write to my Gmail account which is connected to my blog. A few write incessantly.



I don't really mind for it is nice to be noticed. Even if these people are mad. As mad as cut snakes. One such writer is named Doris. She tells me that reads all my posts and she writes to me after each one. Without fail. Some of these emails are only a couple of sentences whilst others run into multiple pages.

Doris is an Evangelist. She is a full-on bible bashing Christian. Doris lives in New York with her mother and she apparently wants to save me. So does her mother. Her ramblings often include quotes from the Bible. A constant theme in Doris' correspondence is that I swear too much - which I probably do.

I am Australian.

We all swear a lot.

Doris thinks this is wicked and she says it is sinful. 

Hi Doris. How the fuck are you today?

I have only replied to Doris once before and this was a few weeks back. I don't often engage with my readers. I probably should. My reply was in response to her comment that she hated my writing. She told me that it's wickedness made her weep. She uses the words 'wicked' and 'sinful' a lot. Doris informs me that despite my wickedness, Jesus still loves me. I politely suggested to her that if what I was writing upset her she then should simply stop reading it. 

The solution was simple.

I also reminded Doris that one of the great liberties instilled in the mighty constitution of the United States of America was freedom of speech. I didn't mention any of the other great American constitutional liberties that I so admire - such as the right to bear arms and to slaughter one's neighbors with semi-automatic weapons. Nor did I mention the right to invade and occupy foreign countries. Particularly those nations that by pure chance happen to be rich in petroleum resources. 

This is sarcasm Doris. I don't admire these rights at all. 

I think they are wicked. 

I think they are sinful.

Doris tells me that she prays for me every day - with her mother. She tells me that together they pray for my salvation. I have this vision of them on their knees.



Possibly before a statue of the Virgin Mary. Despite the futility of their prayers I find this strangely comforting. But heed this Doris - I am beyond salvation and my redemption is useless.

Sorry Doris.

My wickedness in ingrained.

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