I am getting
excited about going home to Australia. I have not been back for about six
months - so it has been a while. The first thing that strikes me when I go back
is the number of bogans that are there. They are everywhere.
The spell
check on my Mac doesn't recognize the word bogan. It first tried to change it
to 'brogan'. I don't know what that is. The second time it endeavored to auto
correct to 'began'. It is now trying to change it to 'organ'.
A bogan is an
Australian slob type person. This is probably a bit too harsh. They are
friendly and simple folk. They are a bit nasal in their speech. I can speak
bogan if I choose to.
"Too
fuckin right I can".
All
Australians can if they want to.
Bogans are
fairly casual and laid back people but they are generally fairly ignorant about
the world. The Bogan will likely argue against this alleged lack of worldly
wisdom. Many will declare with great pride that they have been to Indonesia.
They will say that they have been to Kuta in Bali.
Bewdy.
The bogan may
also announce triumphantly that they go back annually. The bogan will also
likely go to Thailand. They will go to the village of Patong in Phuket. The
Bogans get package tours to 3 star hotels and they love it there. They really
do.
Enough said.
The bogan
always returns to their roost after a week in exotic Asia for home is where
they like the best. The bogan’s home is in their local pub. When returning from
their trips to Bali or Phuket the bogan's hair will likely be braided and
beaded. Be they male or female. Their skin will be burnt fire-truck red and it
will also be peeling. They are happy though. The bogans are mostly quite
content.
Bogans are not
particularly bright nor are they gender specific. The great majority of bogans
will be tattooed. They like ink. Dental hygiene is not a priority amongst the
bogan clan and they may have a few teeth missing. The bogan's dress code is
basic. Tracksuit pants are preferred. There is often a big gut on the bogan.
They love beer.
When I was
last back in June I recall pulling my car into a petrol station to fill up. We
call it petrol in Australia. The Americans and Singaporeans refer to it as gas.
All petrol stations in Australia are self-service. We pump our own and then we
pay inside. We Australians also have drive-through bottle shops. The English
with whom I work often talk about these drive-throughs with amazement and
admiration. They love them. At the drive-throughs you stay in your car and the
attendant loads up your car with slabs of beer, wine or spirits and smokes too.
Whatever you want. We Australians take these drive-through’s for granted. They
are everywhere.
Like the
bogans.
So when I
arrived back in Australia in June and was filling my car with petrol a bogan
pulled up at the pump opposite me. He was driving a ute. This is the bogan's
car of choice. As he commenced pumping he started a conversation. I like this
aspect of home. Stranger talks to stranger. We mostly chat about nothing of any
significance but it is what we do. From what I recall the conversation went
something like this:
"Owzitgoin
mate"
he initiated.
The bogan was
wearing baggy tracksuit pants and a tattered T shirt. I think it had an ACDC
picture on it although it could have been Guns'N'Roses. He was wearing a beanie
on his head. For you non-Australians types this is a woolen hat. It was pulled
down over his ears. He was scratching his balls with one hand and pumping gas
with the other.
"Good
mate"
I replied.
"Owzitgoin
with you?"
I slip easily
into the bogan dialect when I return home. It is natural and instinctive.
The "Owzitgoin" is a pretty much a standard reply
when dealing with the bogans. Keep it friendly. They can be dangerous.
"Yeah
alright". he responded.
"Strewth
it's a fuckin cold one en it?"
He was
referring to the weather. It was a bit nippy out.
"Fucking
oath"
I said.
"Freezin
the nuts off of me".
I gave my own
balls a bit of a scratch when I said this. It was an almost instinctive and
sympathetic physical response. It is the way bogans relate to each other for bogans
are a brotherhood.
"Didja
watch the pies game last night? the Bogan enquired.
The Pies are
the Collingwood football club. Australian Rules Football. You either love or
hate the Pies. My team is Geelong and I hate the Pies.
"Shit
yeah"
I replied.
"Fuckin
umpires" moaned the Bogan.
"We
woz fuckin robbed".
The
Collingwood supporter is not a good loser. They always blame the referees when
they lose.
"Cunts" I sympathised.
I didn't
actually care and I hadn't watched the game. I was just enjoying the
conversation.
"Fuckin
petrol prices" the bogan complained.
Like myself,
the bogan was watching the dollars flow into his ute. Petrol is expensive in
Australia. This is despite the fact that we have enormous natural reserves of
petroleum in Australia. We export most
of it and our Fucker politicians heavily tax the little that we are allowed to
consume ourselves. We pay way more than we should and the government is doing
the wrong thing by us.
"Bastard
fuckin government is trying to rob us" the Bogan added
The Bogan
doesn't like Authority. They always vote for the Labour Party. The Labour Party
are currently in Government in Australia and they are bastards. Our Prime
Minister Julia Gillard is a bogan herself. She is an uber bogan in fact. The
Labour Party is full of bogans.
Bogans
complain about everything. It is the bogan way.
"Fuckers" I agreed.
I finished
pumping my petrol and went inside to pay.
"Avagood
one mate" said the bogan when I returned and got back into my car.
"You
too mate" I nodded.
If I mentioned
to a Bogan in a pub situation that I lived in Singapore they would ask me if it
was a part of China. This has happened before. Many times in fact. They would
also ask me if there is McDonalds in Singapore. The bogans love their Big Macs
- with fries. They also upsized. Every time.
The bogans
will enquire whether I am able to watch the footy over in Singapore. I tell
them I can and I do. I tell the bogans that the football is telecast live on
the Australian TV Channel. This seems to delight them. It certainly delights
me. I love my footy and I watch it every week.
I will often
ask the Bogans I encounter at my local pub if they know what Chinese food is
called in China. They never know and ask me 'what'? I tell them it is
just called 'food'. They think this is hysterical. The Bogans are easily
amused. I think that I entertain them as much as they entertain me.
Bogans are the
salt of the earth. Fair dinkum. They are Australians through and through and I
love them.
I really do.
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