I have spent
the afternoon with some visitors from the US of A. From Manhattan to be
precise. There was Chuck, his wife Rebecca and their 12 year old son Chuck
Junior. I kid you not. I had met Chuck - senior that is - a couple of years ago
in New York. He is an investment banker. Despite his occupation he seems like a
nice guy although admittedly I do not know him very well.
It was one of
those things that we all do. "If you are ever in Singapore do look me
up". Not really expecting that he would. Look me up. But he did - and here
he is.
Here they
are.
It is their
first time in Singapore. For Rebecca and Chuck Junior it is their first trip
overseas. Chuck Senior has only ever been to London before and he told me that
he likes the English.
Enough said.
They landed
yesterday morning in Singapore and I received a call from Chuck last night. He
wondered if I was free to catch up. I replied that I was. I suggested that I
come by their hotel mid Sunday morning and we could have some brunch then I
would show them around a bit. Chuck suggested that we meet later in the day. He
told me that they wanted to go to church first. I told Chuck that this was no
problem for me and I arranged to meet them about noon. I told Chuck that I
would take them out for lunch somewhere nice.
I arrived at
the Fullarton Hotel about a quarter past the hour. I was fashionably late.
Chuck and his family were waiting for me in the lobby. To my horror Chuck and
Chuck Junior were dressed identically. They were wearing very loud yellow
checked shorts with stars and stripes tee-shirts. Chuck Senior had on knee-high
white socks with patent leather sandals. Junior was sock less and was wearing
unlaced Nike Runners. He had a New York Yankees cap on his head. Backwards. He
was also chewing gum. Open mouthed.
Chuck’s wife
Rebecca is a big girl. She is humungous in fact. She was adorned in a bright
green sundress and had an enormous Panama type hat perched on her frizzy bright
red hair. She is a ginger - a blood nut - a ranga. She is also as pale as a
ghost and is fully freckled as well. The poor girl. The Good Lord obviously
gave her a savage beating with the ugly stick as she entered the world. Then he
thought what the fuck, and he beat her some more. To complete the picture both
Rebecca and Chuck Senior had cameras slung around their necks and they were
wearing bum-belts as well. Big ones.
Very big ones.
Upon seeing
them my first and instinctive reaction was flight. Swiftly. Immediately. Alas
Chuck had spotted me. He called out my name very loudly. He called me Pete.
Only Americans seem to call me Pete. I don't know why. I don't like it.
So I greeted
Chuck and he politely introduced me to the wife Rebecca and to Chuck Junior. I
shook both their sweaty hands.
I said "Welcome
to Singapore".
"Gosh" replied Rebecca.
"It's
so great to be here"
"It is
going to be confusing for me with two Chucks" I said.
"Is it
OK if I call the young fella Junior?"
"Sure"
replied
Senior.
"That's
what we call him."
This did not
surprise me.
Junior replied
"Awesome".
This did not
surprise me either.
"How
was church?" I asked.
“Did you
find one OK?"
"Gosh"
said
Rebecca.
"We
went this morning. We weren't sure if there were any churches here. And they
spoke English too. It was awesome."
Both Chuck
Senior and Junior nodded in agreement.
Oh fuck was
all I could think to myself. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.
OK. I needed
to get more positive about this so I tried to push the oh fucks from my mind.
This whole event needed to be accelerated. Perhaps I could also find some
entertainment.
"Before
we go"
I declared - looking at Chuck Junior
"I
should warn you that chewing gum is illegal in Singapore"
Junior stopped
chewing immediately and Mum looked panicked. Dad did too.
"So is
wearing your cap backwards" I added.
"As is
having your shoelaces undone."
Junior made a
gulping noise as he swallowed his gum whilst Mum whipped the cap from his head.
Big Chuck knelt and tied his son's shoes. Despite these adjustments to Chuck
Junior's attire the urge to set him on fire was powerful. I needed to resist.
"Let's
go then" I said.
"I
will take you to my favorite Indian restaurant"
There were no
objections and I thought I might be able to blast them with a good curry. We
jumped into a cab and I instructed the driver to take us to Muhtu's. They make
the best curries on the island. When seated I ordered a large serve of fish
head curry, a spanking Bhindi Jhaipuri, some Roti - and a serve of jasmine
rice.
Needless to
say all three were reluctant to eat.
Out of sheer
politeness Chuck Senior took all small serve of everything except the fish
curry. He mostly pushed the food around his plate. The other two claimed jet
lag and a big breakfast and they refused to eat anything at all. Even the rice.
As I was wiping up my curry sauce with a hunk of roti I asked Rebecca what she
did back in New York. When she replied that she was a preacher I nearly
choked.
Even though I
was quite desperate to say "What the fuck Chuck" I knew
now that I couldn't swear.
I had to
concentrate.
After our meal
- or non-meal in the case of the visitors, we headed down to the quays. The
Americans were sweating quite a bit. They were suffering in the humidity.
Rebecca and Chuck Senior were very inquisitive though and asked me what many of
the buildings were. They took a lot of photos. I told them that the Esplanade
theatre was designed in the shape of a Durian. They had never heard of a durian
before so I had to explain the fruit and it's strong but unusual smell. Junior
looked horrified when I suggested I get him some durian ice-cream to try.
When we saw the
new High Court building Junior said it looked like a flying saucer. I told him that
it actually was. I told him that the Singaporean government had constructed it
in the event of a hostile invasion and that the Prime Minister and all his
cabinet had spent all day in it last month - when the Mayan's had predicted the
end of the world. I told Chuck Junior that they were prepared for take off.
The Ginger
said "Gosh" and Junior said "Awesome". Chuck
Senior looked doubtful but he said nothing. However they all went
on a photo taking frenzy.
After an hour
or so of walking around poor Ginger had turned bright red. She looked like an
over ripe tomato. The poor dear was dripping sweat and was claiming that she
felt faint. Junior was eying off a McDonalds. I suggested that they should
probably go back to their hotel and take a swim. When I dropped them off in the
cab I stayed inside the car. I asked them to ring me if they needed anything at
all.
I hope they
don't.
Yet
I somehow expect that they will.
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