9 April 2015


For fuck’s sake Mum.

Despite my repeated and emphasized requests for you to relax, calm down and chill right out you obviously haven’t.

I most certainly did not write that I had slept with a host of high-priced hookers in Japan.

It was Korea.

And I didn’t sleep with any of them no matter what the ladies at your Bridge and your golf club told you.

I have no idea who this woman Ethel is but the lady sure can twist my blog posts around and really - if they upset her so much why does she keep on reading them?

Please tell her to just stop.

It’s driving me mad.

Perhaps you need a new Bridge partner.

Perhaps you need a new golf club.

Not a driver or a putter or anything - but a new place to play golf

One where there is less gossip and with oldies who gets their facts straight.

Ethel does not.

Get her facts straight.

I do like the name Ethel though and if I ever get another golden retriever I think I will name her Ethel.

Eth for short.

Yes I got your voicemail.


Did you read the blog yourself or are you just taking the word of the doddery bridge and golf ladies?

Never expect an answer either by the way when you ring at 5.30am - and with the shrill high-pitched hysteria of your voice it was quite difficult to hear what your saying. I had to replay the message a few times.

What would my father think you ask?

You mean about the non-factual accusation that I bedded a host of Japanese hookers? Well as a matter of fact I think he would be somewhat delighted and proud and a tad bit jealous.

Why don’t we ask him?

What would my grandfather think?

He’s dead Mum!

He doesn’t think anything.

From what I recall of the old fellow he would have loved it though - and he would have pressed me for every lurid detail.

But I say once more, there are no lurid details.

Not a single one.

I assure you of this.

I have decided I might come over and live here.

I like Seoul that much.

The hookers are sensational.

I am only joking Mum!

Chill right out.

They are though.

It is not the reason I like Seoul so much though.

The country has four seasons for one and I am loving the crisp, clear and cool days of spring and the gardens of this city are spectacular. I think the cherry trees in full blossom are more beautiful then their Tokyo counterparts even though they are reeking havoc on my hay fever.

I was out for dinner last night with friends and the food was incredible. We ate barbequed pork with fresh wasabi and a dozen different varieties of pickled vegetables. I drank far too much soju for my own good as my friends made a toast every time they re-poured.

Soju is a local type of distilled spirit. It is clear in colour and has a kick like a mule.

I was pissed Mum.

The Australian type of pissed – not the American.

As in I was drunk  - not angry.

Yes I know the Bridge and golf girls will be shocked and Ethel will carry on.

They will ask you what sort of son would do such a thing?

Well I would.

I think my younger brother Richard would too.

He is far wilder than me.

Or is it he is far wilder than I?

My English is not so proper sometimes and it annoys me.

I don’t really care.

As for your voicemail message you left about me swearing – if you care to read the post yourself you will note that I used the word ‘fuck’ once.

Just once.

I would like to hear Ethel’s opinion on how many times you swear on the golf course?

How about it Ethel?

The last time I played with my Mum there was a ‘fuck’ uttered at least once on every whole and countless ‘shits’ as well.

Missed short puts and slices off the tee seem to bring out profanities on the golf course.

I have yet to witness you playing Bridge Mum but I’m sure there is an odd ‘fuck’ you let loose there too.


So anyway – I love you heaps Mum and I am glad you take an interest in my writing and that your friends do too but I don’t need pre-dawn shrieking messages based on inaccuracies.

So let me repeat the Hookers I wrote about were not Japanese.

They were Korean.

And I didn’t touch any of them.

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