28 February 2014

The Apogee


On breezy evenings I open my balcony and front door and the wind flurries through. Singapore is hot and humid all the time and I like to freshen up my tiny apartment with wafts and drafts whenever I can. My English neighbours from across the hall are like-minded and on occasion little Liam wanders in and we sit and chat. Liam is nearly five years old and he loves Postman Pat and chocolate ice cream and his little brother Daniel.

I was sitting on my sofa this evening feeling self absorbed and pithy. My daughter Charlotte has been visiting me from Australia and her departure yesterday has left me feeling all wistful and lonely and morose. Liam walked in dressed in his Fireman Sam pajamas and he asked me straight out why I was looking so sad. We don't muck around with small talk and idle chit chat. I told Liam that my baby girl had gone home and I missed her a lot. In a moment of tenderness and benevolence and kindness – and in a flash of innocence that only a five year old possesses - Liam gave me an almighty hug.

It was as welcome as it was unexpected.

He then asked me if Charlotte was the pretty lady who had been staying with me and I told them that she was. He informed me that only the day before he had come over and Charlotte had given him a glass of milk and a biscuit and she had read him a story. She hadn't mentioned it to me. Liam told me that he thought that my daughter looked like a princess and she made him laugh. I couldn’t help but smile. Charlotte is all grown up now and her potential is enormous. It is dazzling. My love for her is infinite and boundless and unequivocal. It is unconditional.

At Liam's suggestion we made a cubby out of old sheets and we sat in it and watched Postman Pat together on my big screen television. We drank chocolate milk and Liam explained to me who all the characters were. He taught me the Postman Pat song. His dad Warwick poked his head in early on in the piece and Liam asked him if it would be alright if I came over for a sleepover. It was one of those moments that I could contain neither the tears nor the laughter and I tried in vain to blink away the wetness that clouded my eyes. 

Life is full of ups and downs and peaks and troughs and moments of tenderness that take my breath away. There are climactic times when clarity and peace and joy strike like a thunderbolt and one sits above the clouds. This was such a moment and it was an apogee of sorts. The empathy and virtuosity of little children astounds me at times.

It really does.

After awhile Liam fell asleep and I picked him up and carried him home and I put him into his own bed. He was clutching his Power Ranger effigy tightly in his little fist – the yellow one. He told me once that it his favourite thing. He roused as I lay him down and as I bent over to tuck him in and I planted a goodnight kiss on his forehead - he handed me his Power Ranger and he told me that I could keep it. He told me not to be sad anymore and that he was my friend. The little figurine is standing up on the table next to me now as I write this. I am welling up again and I will return it to Liam tomorrow.

I feel all right now though. I feel good in fact - despite the fact that I can't get the bloody postman Pat song out of my head. He has a black and white cat you know. It is driving me me mad.

Everything is going to be OK though. 

I feel myself again and all is going to be just fine.

17 February 2014

Meatballs, Omelets and the abomination that is IKEA


I am beaten, bushed, buggered, burnt and bruised.

I am battered.

I have just returned from my Sunday ritual of working in the Willing Hearts soup kitchen in the Badlands of Singapore. Yes there are Badlands in Singapore. They are hidden away. I work with a jolly band of mostly local volunteers who prepare and then deliver meals to an ever-increasing amount of homeless and impoverished on the Island. There is no welfare system per se here in Singapore as the government is firmly of the opinion that there are no under-privileged persons.

I am not an altruistic person or an angel or a goody-goody. In fact I have frequently been called a dick, a shit, a fucker and a bit of a cunt. I may well have been – or indeed continue to be – some or all of such things. Sorry Mum. I know you don’t like me swearing but these are other people’s descriptions and let’s face it – I have heard you swear many times before - on the golf course. When you slice your drives or miss those short putts. Also it is not my fault that people call me this – or perhaps it is. Irrespective - I don’t really give a fuck. Not about you Mum – just what other people may think of me.

In fact I do social service because my Mum and Dad raised me this way. When we were children my siblings and I were dragged – often kicking and screaming - to volunteer in the many communities in which we lived. We were taught that it was important to understand that there are many more people in the world less fortunate than ourselves and we have a responsibility to help out where we can.

I have instilled this belief in my own offspring and I too used to drag them kicking and screaming to community service work wherever we lived. It is an obligation and is one of the few things in life that I take very seriously.

The Willing Hearts organisation is run by an amazingly devoted and dedicated band of Singaporeans who are simply delightful people. There are a couple of Aunties and Uncles who run the show and I enjoy their company very much. Uncle and Aunty are terms used to describe the elderly here on the Island.  

It is a term of endearment.

I arrived earlier than normal at Willing hearts this morning as I woke before my alarm. Sleep eludes me nowadays as I myself am transitioning into an Uncle. I am already an uncle in the western world’s use of the term – but I am referring now to the Singaporean one. So at 5.30 am I began cracking eggs to make omelet type of things that we were serving up in the Badlands. By 6.30 am I had cracked close to a thousand. These were then beaten by hand – by me – and once whipped into a frothy soup I added generous portions of spring onion and capsicum.

I was in charge today of the egg station where we fried massive amounts of egg on a very large hotplate. I was joined by a couple of local men and women and two very blonde and blue eyed Scandinavian girls. I could tell that they were Scandinavian by their blond and blue eyed-ness and I took a punt that they were Swedish by giving them a hearty, “Hej Hur Mar du?” – which is “Hello how are you?” This elicited a stream of guttural Swedish responses and I had to then confess that this was the only Swedish that I had. Fortunately - like most Swedes – they spoke very good English.

Their names were Erika and Birget.

I was quite curious as to what the Swedes were doing in Singapore and how they had learned about the Willing Hearts. I was touched when they told me that they were travellers and that they always looked up charitable causes to help out with whenever they landed in a new country. Meeting people like this and being in the company of the very good people of the Willing Hearts organisation moves me quite a bit.

It delights me in fact.

It is easy to feel cynical in this sad bad world that we live in and I often feel surrounded on this Island by fuckers and sycophants with their cellophane smirks and saccharine smiles. So it really does restore my faith in humanity when I encounter such people as Erika and Birget and I do find a sanctuary in places like the Willing Hearts.

Conversation around the omelet station – which also doubles as a Roti Prata station - is always very pleasant. We have a good laugh as hot oil splatters us and we cook and pack food at a frenetic pace. I told Erika and Birget that I had been to Sweden – because I have – and I quite liked meatballs and the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the laidback Swedish approach to nudity. I told them I was quite partial to a good sauna as well. They told me that they quite liked these things as well.

We clicked.

I also informed them that I wasn’t particularly fond of the Volvo car and I thought that IKEA was an abomination. To my great pleasure they also agreed.

Conversation around the hotplate turned to IKEA – as I turned it that way - and I asked the Swedish girls how it was supposed to be pronounced. The Singaporean will pronounce it Ik-e-ar whilst we Australians pronounce it Eye-key-ar. Both Swedes again made some guttural type of noise at me which I can only assume is the correct pronunciation.

I will not even attempt to type it phonetically.

I informed the Swedish girls that the primary reason I disliked IKEA was that their shop design is such that once you enter you are trapped inside and you are forced to follow a meandering path that goes around and around. It is one-way. I explained that it drove me mad – or perhaps madder – that one must follow what seems like an endless path to the final check-out. It can take hours.

It is cunning but brilliant.

I explained to Birget that on my second and last journey to IKEA in Singapore I tried to back track - against the flow. It was like swimming against a strong tide. It was like walking in quicksand. It was mission impossible. This is compounded by the Singaporean masses who block these paths. 

The Singaporeans love Ikea. I suspect that families may spend whole days there - perhaps weeks. They trap themselves willingly and they survive on a diet of meatballs and Swedish hotdogs.

I explained to the Swedes that the other reason I dislike IKEA is of course the assembly. The flat pack is a nightmare that is designed to drive we consumers insane. On that last journey that I made to the store I purchased a bookcase and I scoffed at the option of the assembly service. Like most of the male species I chose initially to disregard the assembly instructions.

They are for pussies.

Big mistake. Massive in fact. Several hours after returning home from the purchase I was baked in sweat and I had hurled one of the shelves from my verandah. I was frustrated and I was confounded. I was ready to kill. The accursed Ikea Allen key was scarred with my teeth marks. 

I told Erika and Birget and the Singaporeans around the omelet hotplate that at this stage I took a calming break and I drank some green tea - then I marched myself downstairs and retrieved the hurled shelf. It had fortunately landed in a Frangipani tree and was relatively unscathed. I then recovered the crumpled up assembly guide from the rubbish bin. I flicked through the 32 languages that these were written in and eventually I found the English version that I was seeking. 

Then I followed the guide step by step. 

A mere two hours later I was triumphantly stacking my books on my wobbly assembly. I ignored the small pile of unused residual screws as I know that the Swedes put in extras. It is their attempt to further confound we consumers.  

The Swedes seemed amused and possibly also bemused at my IKEA tale and they stared at me in a Scandinavian sort of way.

The Singaporeans who were cooking eggs with us didn’t seem to mind the nudity bit about our conversation but there was quite strong opposition to our opinion about IKEA. Singaporeans love IKEA.

They really do.

The egg cooking went on for a couple of hours and the Swedes and I then moved onto the vegetable peeling section. We scraped and sliced and diced potatoes and radish and some quite prickly skinned melons for a couple of hours - yacking all the time. I craftily avoided the onion table.

I cry easily.

Yacking is Australian for chatting. Coincidentally a yak is also a very large and woolly beast that lives high in the Himalaya. I will get onto that consonance in a minute.

Yes consonance. It means harmony or synchronicity to save you looking it up. The Swedes were planning on going to India in a couple of weeks for the next stage of their adventure and they asked me if I had been. I informed them that it was virtually my home away from home – because it is – as I have been working on and off there for the past couple of years.

Erika told me that they were pretty concerned about their potential safety on the sub-continent as there has been much publicity of late about the quite horrific rape cases that have occurred there in recent months. I suggested that as quite obviously Western women that were fairly easy on the eye – it might indeed not be the safest place to go – however all the Indian people I know on the sub continent are charming and kind and I personally consider it quite safe.

That’s easy for me to say.

I asked the Swedes whether Nepal was on their agenda and strangely they told me that it was not. I informed the Swedes that this was madness and they should go there instead. I told them that everyone should do the ‘Du and walk the Himalaya at least once in their lives.

Thus began a long and delightful conversation about Nepal and Kathmandu and my friends Babu and Bhim and Saraswati. This continued off and on through our chopping of vegies and our later serving of rice. Time flew as it always does at Willing Hearts.

Life rockets pass sometimes.

I sit here now battered and beaten. Despite a long shower I still smell of fried egg and radish. As usual though I feel content and happy after my session at Willing Hearts. One always gets a lot more out of community service than one gives - and I had the added bonus of making a couple of new friends today.

Hot Swedish ones at that.

The Swedes will be back next Sunday and we will likely cook Roti Prata together.

That will be nice.

It is something to look forward to.

15 February 2014

Valentine's Day


Unlike the confectioners and florists of the world – I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Its origins are barbaric. Valentine was a Roman Christian priest who lived and died under the reign of Emperor Claudius the Second. The Emperor was somewhat deranged and he forbade soldiers in his army to marry. Valentine defied the emperor and married quite a few. The dude got busted and was arrested, tried and executed. They cut off his head.

He was martyred.

In the fourteenth century the English writer Chaucer set the whole thing alight by writing a poem called “Valentine” which established the association with love and flowers and hearts and turtledoves. The public loved it.

They really did.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not against the concept of love. It is a many splendored thing. But what about the single and lonely people? What about the fat chicks? In years gone by I have witnessed the despair of some people in my office when the wives and girlfriends sitting near them receive their flowers and chocolates and teddy bears. There is a sadness for those that don’t have love that doesn’t seem quite fair.

Yesterday I bought a big box of heart shaped chocolates and I got up very early this morning and put a couple of them on each of the fat chicks desks. Then I went home and came in late. It pleased me that the fat chicks didn’t scoff them down but they proudly displayed them on their desks and they didn’t seem so despondent when the roses and stuff arrived for the girls with boyfriends and husbands.

I got my normal box of chocolates with a card from a ‘secret admirer’. Thanks Mum – I know it’s you and you really don’t have to.

Yep I am not a big fan of Valentines Day. They chopped a priest’s head off for fuck’s sake.

And shouldn’t every day be a declaration of love? 

6 February 2014

Where to Find a Russian Prostitute in Singapore?



I don’t have a clue. Perhaps Orchard Towers? The building with four floors and many doors. If you were actively seeking information on where to find a Russian Prostitute in Singapore and Google or some other Search Engine has referred you here – which it seems that you did and it has – then maybe you should read no further - because I don’t know. Where to find one.

A Russian Prostitute in Singapore.

I really don’t.

I write a blog and Google is the main platform on which I scribe and publish to the world. I recently discovered it has an analytics program attached to it that tells me all sorts of shit - some of it interesting. For example it tells me the countries in which Posts were read and how many ‘reads’ I have had. It also tells me the source of the reading of a Post and whether it has been read as a result of Google search.

I was somewhat alarmed but also slightly amused to discover today that the most popular Google Search result in which my writing appears is the question “Where to Find a Russian Prostitute in Singapore?”

What the fuck?

I repeat the question for emphasis.

What the fuck?

The Post that this search prompts is one I wrote a year ago or more. It was titled “The Russians” and it has nothing to do with prostitution. It was about drinking. I know some Russians here on the Island and count many as amongst my friends but they are artists and business people. Smart and very nice people. None of them are prostitutes.

None at all.

So that is weird.

It must have something to do with the fact that I have written the words “Russian” and “Prostitute” repeatedly in my Post. I wouldn’t have thought I wrote the word ‘prostitute’ very much but I will have to go back and re-read it and check. I know for a fact though that I also wrote the word “Irish” quite a lot in that Post as well. It doesn’t seem that very many people are searching for Irish prostitutes in Singapore - or at least not with the same alacrity that they are Russians.

Fancy that.

The mere fact that I have now written the words, "Where to find a Russian Prostitute in Singapore" many times will attract further search traffic here - from Google. I will write it again just to be sure. Twice in fact.

"Where to find a Russian Prostitute in Singapore"

"Where to find a Russian Prostitute in Singapore"

That should do it.

I am more curious and a bit alarmed at the whole Google and data thing though. I think between them and Facebook and Apple they have a lot of information on us and they are accumulating more and more all the time. We are giving it to them. Our footprints in the cyber world are heavy and we are being tracked and watched. With embedded GPS in our ever-present phones and mobile devices Google knows where we are, whom we are with and what we are doing. It knows what we are buying and even what we are eating for fuck sake. We take photos of it.

We Post it and are Tagged.

It is all becoming a bit Big Brother.

It’s a bit scary when you pause and think about it.

It's a bit sinister.

What has become of that data? How can it be used? 

A couple of months ago in my home town of Melbourne in Australia Police Authorities identified, apprehended and arrested a sixteen year old boy who Tweeted the threat:

"@Pink I'm ready with my Bomb. Time to blow up #RodLaverArena".

The threat was a drunken and empty one made by a silly and much remorseful boy - but the identification and arrest of the culprit was undertaken and concluded within minutes of it being Posted. Just from a Tweet.

That's impressive use of technology. That's frightening as well.

Data and access can change anything.

It can change everything.

Anyway I just thought I would let you know about this cyber intrusion and threat even though you are likely already probably aware of it yourself. To repeat too - and to emphasise - if you just came across this by doing a Google search on “Where to Find a Russian Prostitute in Singapore” – I will tell you again that I do not know.

Nor indeed do I care.

However Google and Big Brother and I now know who you are.

We now know where you live.