10 December 2013

A Grit Blick

I have returned to my apartment following a violent and appalling episode of acoustic assault. It was most distasteful.

I dropped into Spinellis coffee shop for an after work latte and sat for a while to rest my weary body. The mentally challenged English with whom I work have mentally and emotionally challenged me all day and I am greatly drained. The outside tables at Spinellis are few and all were occupied - so I was unsurprised that whilst reading the daily news on my Blackberry a very large and ruddy-faced gentleman gestured at the empty seat next to me and asked, “Is thit sit ticken?”

“Ticken?” I asked

“Is thit sit ticken?” he repeated.

“Oh fuck,” I thought - just what I needed. A South African.

“No the seat is not taken” I sighed.

“Gid” he replied and he promptly sat down.

The auto correct spell check function on my Mac is quite rightfully rejecting the phonetic spelling of the South African accent. As do I. It is even more grating than the New Zealand accent and it is anathema to all who speak the Queens English.

“My nim is Frik” the South African giant said to me.

“Of course it is” I responded.

“I im frum Sith Effrica”

“Really?” I replied.

“Yis rilly. You ir English?” enquired Frik.

“I am fucking not” I retorted.

“Wheer ir you frem then?

“I am Australian”

“Eer Istralian” Frik nodded

Wit is yer name?”

“I am also Frik” I lied.

I have no idea why I said this. Sometimes I just spontaneously lie for no reason at all.

Frik looked surprised at my declaration that I was also Frik and I could tell that he was momentarily put aback.

I was a bit put aback myself.

“You will be in mourning then Frik at the passing of Nelson Mandela? I enquired.

Despite the great torment that I was suffering by listening to every word that was spoken by Frik - I was interested to see his response to my question. Frik was obviously of Afrikaans descent – many of who were responsible for the abhorrent policy of apartheid that reigned in South Africa.

Frik was hesitant in his response.

“He wis a grit blick”

“He wis a viry grit blick Frik” I suggested.

I quite enjoyed saying this sentence – even though I was accosting my own eardrums.

I could see Frik tense quite noticeably when I said this and I could tell immediately too that he was a racist fucker.

“I would think Frik that history will record Nelson Mandela as being the greatest South African of any colour. Don’t you agree?”

“He wis a grit blick” Frik repeated – although this time he uttered it through gritted teeth.

I was kind of looking forward to opening up the topic of our conversation to apartheid and racism and blicks in general but the ficker Frik suddenly stood up and walked away.

I was glad to see the back of him.

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