I had to go to
Orchard Road yesterday. It is an area of Singapore that I usually try to avoid.
Orchard Road is the main shopping and tourist district of Singapore and it is
always very crowded. The locals and tourists tend to move very slowly along
this thoroughfare and they create congestion by constantly stopping and taking
photographs. On the very rare occasions that I go there I have to beat and
thrash my way through the human traffic.
It drives me
mad.
This is
Orchard Road:
I was
compelled to go to Orchard Road to buy myself some new trousers and shirts. I
need clothing that is thicker and warmer than the attire that I normally wear
here in Singapore as I must soon go to London for work and even though it is
Summer in England I am anticipating cool weather. Like the inhabitants of the
country, English Summers are often bleak. Despite the fact that I will be
amongst the English I quite like London. It is one of the great cities of the
world and I am looking forward to escaping the humidity and depravity of
Singapore for a couple of weeks.
The word "trousers"
is quite a strange one. It sounds French but the origin of the word is very
obscure and whilst I am sure that if I trolled the Internet I could find the
etymology but I simply couldn't be bothered. Americans refer to trousers as 'pants'.
This is probably an abbreviation of the word 'pantaloons'. Why the
Americans have chosen to use the word 'pants' rather than 'trousers'
is a mystery to me.
To me 'pants'
is something that my dog does when he is hot and thirsty.
In Australia
we often refer to trousers as 'dacks'. This term is most commonly used
by the Australian bogan population. The word 'dacks' is being rejected
by the spellcheck on my laptop. It is auto changing it to the word 'sacks'.
It just did it again. Manual adjustments have had to be made.
One Australian
bogan could well say to another bogan, "Geez mate that's a great pair
of trackie dacks youse have got on"
"Trackie
dacks' are
tracksuit trousers - or tracksuit pants if you are an American. They are the
preferred attire for our bogan population.
I have no idea
why.
The English
may also refer to trousers as 'slacks'. The people of Scotland
refer to them as 'trews'.
After battling
my way through the crowds of Orchard road and buying myself several pairs of
trousers and shirts at the Takashimaya shopping complex I sat for a while to
rest my weary body. I sat in one of the designated smoking areas in a small
recluse just off Orchard road. I bought myself a green tea and was smoking a
cigarette and having a quiet moment when a lunatic walked up to me and asked me
for a light. I was not in the slightest bit surprised as I am a beacon for
lunatics.
You may well
ask how I could tell that this person was a lunatic? He was dressed as a clown
and had an inflatable rubber duck around his waist and he was wearing a
multi-couloured wig on his head and was clutching a fistful of balloons. Only a
lunatic would be attired in such a fashion. Here he is:
"Got a
light mate?" the lunatic clown asked.
I recognized
his accent instantly. The clown was a Northerner.
A Northerner
is someone from the north of England. They are the brunt of many a joke amongst
their own kinfolk and have a distinct way of speaking. Whilst the vast majority
of the English with whom I work in Singapore are lardy dardy toffee nose
Londoners, I know quite a few Northerners here on the Island. I count several
amongst my friends. Whilst they often appear dour and miserable they are deceptively
nice people.
"Ay
Oop"
I responded as I handed the Northerner clown my cigarette lighter. "Ay
Oop" is a traditional greeting amongst the Northerners. There is no
direct translation but it could mean "Hello", "How Are
you?" "Nice to meet you" or even "Goodbye". I
enjoy both saying it and receiving it.
I say it loud
and with gusto.
"Ay
Oop me ole mukker" the Northern lunatic clown responded. It is traditional amongst the
Northerners that when you receive an "Ay Oop" you must give
one straight back. It is considered impolite not to do so. "Me ole
mukker" loosely translates to "my friend".
I understand
and speak Northerner quite well. My good friend the Hammer has taught me much
of this dialect. The Hammer is quite a character who lives here in Singapore.
He is originally from Lancashire. I wrote a piece about him awhile back titled "Coloured
Birds"
"A bit
fooken 'ot" the Northerner commented.
"Yep"
I replied.
"Aaa
ye gooin' on?
"I am
alright thanks. May I ask why you are dressed in such a ridiculous
fashion?"
"Ahm
doin sem promotion wook fer a pool cleanen coompany"
"I
hope you are getting paid well. You look like a pillock"
A "pillock"
is Northerner for an idiot or fool.
"Ah no
ahm neht really gotten mooch wedge bit ets a bit of a larf and et pays few a
couple a jars"
I best
translate this whole sentence for non Northerner speakers.
The Northern
clown was saying, "No I am not really getting paid very much money but
it is a bit of a laugh and the money I get will pay for a few beers."
"Wedge" is Northerner for "money"
and "Jars" is Northerner terminology for beer. The Northerners
love beer. They drink it like water.
"I
don't think it is a very good look mate. Do you think it's a good idea for a
clown such as yourself to be seen smoking with children around?"
There were
quite a few children hovering around the Northerner clown. They were keen I
think to get some of the balloons that he was holding.
"When
ah need a fooken tab ah need ah fooken tab" he responded. A "tab"'
is Northerner for a cigarette.
"I
think you should go back to your job now my Northern friend" I said and I nodded
towards the awaiting Singaporean children.
"Aye" he agreed and he butted
out his cigarette.
"Would
yez like a balloon?" he offered.
"Only
if you would like me to set you on fire" I replied.
"Ay
Oop"
he responded and then he bounced off to the main street to hand out his
balloons
"Ay
Oop"
I returned.
I have never
liked clowns. They always scared me when I was a child and so did cornfields. I
had recurring nightmares when I was young that involved a host of really creepy
looking clowns emerging from a cornfield. They were coming to get me. I would
awake from these dreams in the middle of the night screaming and calling for my
mummy.
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