A floater has
been found in the swimming pool of my apartment complex. I went down there this
morning for a swim and found the entire building management team poolside in
deep consultation. Two of the security guards were erecting bollards and ropes
around the pool perimeter.
I approached
the scene with a towel slung over my shoulder and the building manager Mr. Tan
broke away from the rest of the Management team and rushed towards me waving
his hands.
"You
can not be swimming here today Mr. Peter" he declared.
"A
terrible thing has happened"
I am on
familiar terms with Mr. Tan following the Mandarin fruits episode over the
Chinese New Year period. Although we were first introduced in what I considered
a somewhat hostile and an unfortunate circumstance, our relationship is now
cordial.
"What's
up uncle?" I enquired.
My curiosity
was piqued at such a frenzy of activity so early in the morning and I had
rarely before seen the security guards do anything other than sleep in their
little hut at the entrance to my apartment building.
Mr. Tan's
anxiety and concern was obvious. He was alternately wiping his sweaty brow and
wringing his hands.
"Someone
has done a doo doo in the pool", he retorted.
"A doo
doo Mr. Tan?" I asked.
"A
number twos sir" he responded.
"A
poo?" I
said.
"Someone
has shat in the pool?"
"Yes
sir Mr. Peter" Mr. Tan moaned.
"It
has happened again"
"Again?"
I
enquired.
I was
genuinely surprised. I had not before heard of a previous shitting-in-the-pool
episode and I am a fairly regular swimmer there.
"Yes
sir Mr. Peter" Mr. Tan repeated.
"That's
a bit gross" I commented.
"And
we have a serial offender on our hands. What is being done about it? I enquired.
"The
police have been notified sir" he retorted.
"They
are on their way"
"The
police have been called?" I asked.
"Then
this is a serious matter Mr. Tan?"
"It is
a very serious matter Mr. Peter"
I noticed that
two of Mr. Tan's management team had now moved to the far side of the pool and
they were both taking photographs of the poo with their mobile phones.
"The
poo is still in the water?" I enquired of Mr. Tan.
I was moving
now around the perimeter of the pool. Mr. Tan was following beside me muttering,
"It is terrible. It is terrible"
As I stepped
over the now roped-off area one of the Security guards took a step towards me
and opened his mouth. He looked as if he was about to say something to me but a
withering glance from Mr. Tan stopped him in his tracks. I walked over to where
the other two assistant building managers were still clicking away with their
mobile phones and noted that there was indeed a floater in the water. It was a
rather large one in fact. It was bobbing up and down against the side of the
pool. It was being moved by the filtration system.
"That's
a big piece of shit" I commented to Mr. Tan.
"I
would think that your culprit is a fully grown adult rather than a child"
Mr. Tan and
his management team nodded their heads in grave affirmation and the two
security guards seemed to be smirking.
"I
would think that whoever did this is likely a meat eater too" I suggested.
I received more
grim nods of agreement.
I didn't think
that I could add very much more to the conversation but thought that I would
wait around for the police to arrive. I had never before witnessed a police
investigation into an act of public defecation and I had nothing better to do
at the time. So I retreated to a poolside deck chair and sat under the shade of
an umbrella.
I smoked a
cigarette.
After only ten
minutes or so a Singapore police car pulled into the driveway and four
policemen alighted. This obviously was a very serious matter. Mr. Tan rushed to
greet them and they assembled at the far side of the pool where the poo was
still bobbing away. I nodded a polite hello to the policemen as they passed me
on the pool deck and each of them nodded back. I decided to observe proceedings
from the cool of the shade rather then join their conversation as there were
already seven bodies gathered around the floating poo.
I witnessed a
few minutes of anxious explanation from Mr. Tan but the conversation was in
Hokkien so I could not understand a single word. Two of the policemen took out
their mobile phones and also took pictures of the floater. One of them seemed
to be taking notes. At one point Mr. Tan turned and pointed and me and said
something in Chinese and they all stared in my direction. This alarmed me a
little. Was it possible that I was being considered as a suspect?
I certainly
hoped not.
The policemen
soon left and I waved Mr. Tan over to where I was sitting. He and one his assistant
building managers walked over with their heads bowed.
"So
what's happening Mr. Tan" I enquired.
"I
thought that the police would have taken the poo away for DNA sampling?"
"They
will not touch it" he responded.
"I
don't really blame them" I replied.
"So
how will the investigation be completed?"
"We
will review the security camera footage Mr. Peter" said Mr. Tan.
"We
will see if we can identify the offender and give their name to the police"
"Fair
enough Mr. Tan" I retorted.
"Do
you know what the punishment is for shitting in a private pool?" I asked.
"I do
not sir"
"I
should think it would be at least ten years imprisonment and perhaps twenty
lashes of the cane" I suggested.
"Even
more"
he replied, again nodding his head grimly.
"I
would have a very close look at the fat Danish guy in apartment number
108"
I suggested.
"He is
both a meat eater and a dirty fucker"
Mr. Tan looked
a little less glum at my suggestion and the prospect of a potential suspect in
the case. I have no idea whether the big Danish guy I had suggested as a
culprit had anything to do with the floater in the pool but he pissed me off a
couple of months ago in the lift when he grunted a response at me after I gave
him a cheery good morning. He has since muttered derogatory comments about
Australians when I have seen him in the apartment complex lobby so I have no
problem with building management or the police grilling him about the incident.
"In
the meantime" I suggested to Mr. Tan and nodding towards the still smirking security
guards
"May I
suggest that one of those guys fish the turd out of the pool and you throw a
couple of buckets of chlorine into the water? And as a resident I would
recommend that a permanent security patrol be undertaken around the pool day
and night to prevent any future recurrence"
Mr. Tan nodded
his head in agreement and the two security guards lost their smirks and were
now demonstrating a state of mild panic.
I will wait a
couple of days before I venture down again for a swim.
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