The Hammer is
driving us mad. Ever since the big northerner finished up his contract with the
Bank he has been pestering us all to come out and have pints with him. Pints of
beer. It seems like every second day one of our phones will ring and we hear
the dulcet tones, "Ay oop lad. Fancy a pint?
Sales at the
Bank's staff cafeteria have suffered greatly since the Hammer's departure. They
have plummeted. The Hammer was their best customer. I have witnessed the
Lancastrian devour several full English breakfasts – well before breakfast - in
the staff cafeteria.
They ordered
in black pudding especially for him.
Since the
Hammer has left the building the milo machine on our floor in the office is now
rarely empty. The Hammer would drink dozens of cups of Milo a day just because
it was free. Milo is a chocolate malt powder used to make chocolate milk
drinks. It is very popular in this country and the Bank provides free drinks of
this to all of our staff in Singapore. We have milo machines that dispense both
hot and cold cups of milo. I don't like to drink it but I will occasionally
sprinkle it on my vanilla ice-cream as a special treat. I recall once asking
the Hammer how could he possibly drink so much Milo every day and he replied
with a very straight face that he drank it because it was free.
He was
earnest.
This is the
Northern way.
They consider
free food to be the best food.
I once
witnessed the Hammer dispute the price of curry puffs in the staff cafeteria.
He was new to the Bank then.
"One
quid for a curry poof? You must be fekkin avin a larf."
He soon
however endeared himself to the cafeteria staff and won them over with the
combination of his Northern charm and his bulk purchasing. Each working day in
the office was commenced with a grumpy Lancastrian enquiry, "Where's mi
tea?
Despite the
Hammer's broadness of girth he is quite an athlete. Do not be deceived by his
appearance. He has competed in a number of triathlons and long distance bicycle
rides to raise money for charity.
The Hammer has
a big heart.
Here is a
picture of a hammer - it is a tool used to drive nails into wood and it may
also be used as a weapon.
Here is a
picture of our Hammer. I took this photo during a triathlon that a few of us from
the office did last year. I easily beat the Hammer in the opening two kilometer
swim leg and was able to position myself on the beach change-over station to
take this photo. The Hammer was a little tired after the swim and he foolishly
lay on the sand to recover. Unfortunately for him a group of Japanese tourists
saw him and attempted to drag him back out to sea.
They thought
he was beached.
The Hammer
flew past me on the bicycle leg of the triathlon and then he blitzed me on the
run.
We have still
not fully recovered from the Kingfisher incident. The Hammer worked on a number
of construction projects for us over in India. Despite his outward appearance
of a disheveled rotund Lancastrian sloth, the Hammer is a very good engineer.
He has worked on some very tough assignments for us in places like Chennai and
Pune. These are hot and dry and dusty cities and building stuff the Indian way
can be difficult and frustrating.
As a
sub-contractor the Hammer billed all his expenses back to the main Contractor
that we had engaged. The big English unit with whom I work checks off all
contractor expenses before we submit them to our Finance department. Nothing
dodgy ever gets through. The Hammer is renowned for his mean and tight
Northerner ways so his expenses are examined closely. Having traveled with him
many times before we have noticed the Hammers stingy practices. For example he
always gets his clothes laundered and pressed the day before he returns
to Singapore and we suspect that he occasionally takes the curtains from his
condominium with him just for the dry cleaning.
We don't pay
for this.
It is the main
contractor.
The Kingfisher
incident arose a couple of months ago. Kingfisher is a brand of Indian beer and
it is the most drunk beer in all of India. It is very popular. A Kingfisher is
also a very brightly colored bird. They are found all around the world.
The incident
involving the Hammer was beer related.
Not bird.
Here is a
picture of a Kingfisher bird:
Here is a picture of Kingfisher beer:
On the
occasion of the Kingfisher incident the Hammer was in residence in the Indian
city of Chennai and he was in the midst of a large and complex construction
project. The Hammer had been there for a while and was flagging. This is
understandable.
We have all
flagged before in India.
We will again.
The word
flagging in the sense that I have used it - in reference to the Hammer - means
drooping or limping or declining in strength and vigor. It can also mean to
attempt to stop something by the waving of a piece of cloth.
The etymology
of the word flagging is unknown but it arose sometime in 16th Century in Great Britain.
Etymology if the study of the origins of words. I am a bit of an amateur
etymologist at times and where and how words originated interest and intrigue
me.
To support the
Hammer we flew out a mate and fellow Engineer of his whose name is Alan. Alan
is also a dour and stout Northerner who is also a very competent engineer. We
thought that Alan would give the Hammer some company and some much needed
support on the job. The Hammer and Alan have worked very well together in the
past on other projects in India and they have always got the job done.
Upon his
return to the island the Hammer submitted his expenses claim to the main
Contractor. As we always do we scrutinized his receipts with a combination of
suspicion, awe and amusement. We disregarded the elaborate laundry and dry
cleaning costs because we accept the fact that you get dirty and dusty in India
and the odd steam cleaning of a carpet or curtain doesn't cause us or the main
contractor too much concern.
What was of
interest though was one particular receipt for a Tuesday afternoon. All
receipts are now itemized and date stamped and for meals or drinks the main
contractor requires denotation of who was in attendance.
This Tuesday
receipt was date stamped 4.06pm - that is the afternoon. In attendance were the
Northerners - the Hammer and Alan. There was no one else. The receipt itemized
two bottles of Cloudy Bay chardonnay from New Zealand, a basket of poppadums
and thirty six Kingfisher beers. Yes that is correct and I will repeat this
again, thirty six Kingfisher beers!
It was a
classic.
The Hammer claimed
that it was a tough morning in the office and he and Alan really needed those poppadums.
Needless to say his claim was rejected by the main contractor but the Hammer
took it stoically. His contract then finished. This had nothing to do with his
competence or the Kingfisher incident - his job was just done.
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