13 March 2013


Oops - I did it again. I threatened to set a Singaporean on fire. I didn’t really mean to and I have never actually done it before and I never actually would. 

Set a Singaporean on fire. 

It just slipped out because I was frustrated and I was annoyed. I had a little temper tantrum which I don’t do very often.

I am normally cool, calm and collected

However the Singaporeans have misplaced my dry cleaning - my best grey suit with an extra pair of trousers. 

It is very inconvenient.

The express service for dry cleaning on the Island is three days. Three days! Normal service is seven days. I suspect that all dry cleaning is sent to Malaysia and probably to Johor Bahru which is just over the border - but possibly even to Kuala Lumpur.

Many Singaporeans whip over to Johor Bahru for the day just to shop. You can drive there over the bridge in a car and everything is cheap there. There is a trend now for some expats to live in JB and commute to Singapore each day as there is a lot more bang for your buck in Malaysia. Housing rentals are less than half the price than on the Island. I wouldn’t move to JB though. I have seen the queues on the bridge and at the immigration check points and I have been in them. 

The wait time can be hours.

I put my dry cleaning in on Monday and I was well aware of the three day express rule. I don’t often wear the full suit and I very rarely wear a tie. I am however travelling next week and the week after. I depart on Sunday. I have a backlog of places to go and it is all work.

No play.

In some of these places a jacket and tie is expected of me. Some people are of the opinion the clothes maketh the man but I have never thought this way. Who we are is not defined by how we dress. 

That is just ridiculous. 

I come across very well dressed people in my job all the time. Every day in fact. Many of them are dicks and fuckers and their fancy clobber doesn’t change this fact. It is far too hot here in Singapore to wear a jacket and I think ties are just plain silly. Tying a coloured piece of material around your throat is absurd. It is ludicrous and it is preposterous. I think I heard somewhere that the origin of ties were through men wrapping pieces of cloth around their necks to wipe their faces whilst they were eating. They were napkins of convenience and then they became fashion. It all went wrong. 

Horribly wrong.

I have tried to introduce casual Friday at my office. The English refer to it as ‘Dressing Down”. I lead by example and I attire myself in jeans and a tee shirt and I often also wear my red shoes. The ones with little crocodile logos on them. Sometimes I wear thongs. The English refer to thongs as ‘flip flops’ and they think thongs are skimpy underwear. We call such items ‘G strings”. The New Zealanders refer to thongs as ‘Jandals’.  The footwear type - not the underwear. Singaporeans call them sandals but they are all incorrect. 

They are thongs. 

We Australians invented them.

The Singaporeans don’t really like dressing down and at best they will wear designer jeans with polo tee shirts. The girls in the office wear six inch heels and they totter around. I stand out like a sore thumb in my scruffy jeans and tee shirt but I don’t mind at all. I feel comfortable. 

That is the main thing.

I was in a good mood when I went to pick up my dry cleaning. I had no idea then that it had gone missing. I had paid for the express service in advance. I was quite upset when the guy told me he couldn’t find the suit and that he in fact had no record of it. Even though I had the docket. He told me it was misplaced.

Not lost.

I became even more upset when he informed me that the next return delivery would not be until Monday. He was adamant and he was a bit rude too.

He was dismissive.

I tried to explain that I was leaving on Sunday and I really needed my suit. I was initially quite calm and polite but then he flicked his hand at me and he gave me a dirty look. So I became more demanding and I even raised my voice. I insisted that he locate my clothing and return it to me by Friday. 

Failing which I would return - and I would set him on fire.

No comments :

Post a Comment